Robin Williams didn’t die from suicide. I only just heard the sad, sad news of Robin Williams’s death. My wife sent me a message to tell me he had died, and, when I asked her what he died from, she told me something that nobody in the news seems to be talking about. When people die from cancer, their cause of death can be various horrible things – seizure, stroke, pneumonia – and when someone dies after battling cancer, and people ask “How did they die?”, you never hear anyone say “pulmonary embolism”, the answer is always “cancer”. A Pulmonary Embolism can be the final cause of death with some cancers, but when a friend of mine died from cancer, he died from cancer. That was it. And when I asked my wife what Robin Williams died from, she, very wisely, replied “Depression”. The word “suicide” gives many people the impression that “it was his own decision,” or “he chose to die, whereas most people with cancer fight to live.” And, because Depression is still such a misunderstood condition, you can hardly blame people for not really understanding. Just a quick search on Twitter will show how many people have little sympathy for those who commit suicide… But, just as a Pulmonary Embolism is a fatal symptom of cancer, suicide is a fatal symptom of Depression. Depression is an illness, not a choice of lifestyle. You can’t just “cheer up” with depression, just as you can’t choose not to have cancer. When someone commits suicide as a result of Depression, they die from Depression – an illness that kills millions each year. It is hard to know exactly how many people actually die from Depression each year because the figures and statistics only seem to show how many people die from “suicide” each year (and you don’t necessarily have to suffer Depression to commit suicide, it’s usually just implied). But considering that one person commits suicide every 14 minutes in the US alone, we clearly need to do more to battle this illness, and the stigmas that continue to surround it. Perhaps Depression might lose some its “it was his own fault” stigma, if we start focussing on the illness, rather than the symptom. Robin Williams didn’t die from suicide. He died from Depression*. It wasn’t his choice to suffer that.

Tom Clempsom (via jewist)

I’d have to agree as I also suffer from this disease called Depression/bipolar disorder….or whatever you’d like to call it….

“Calvary” is probably the best movie I’ve seen all year (excluding “Boyhood” as that is just in a category all its own).

The Irish certainly know how to make movies, and John Michael McDonagh is no exception. He’s made a masterpiece I’d even compare to the likes of Ingmar Bergman.

Brendan Gleeson is beyond incredible as Father James and this film will make his career. Gleeson if you didn’t know only started acting at age 34 after being a primary school teacher.

The rest of the cast shine as well from the likes of: Kelly Reilly as his daughter, to Chris O’Dowd, to comedian Dylan Moran. I really do hate being one of those people who glows about movies, but this is an Irish gem. And we all know emeralds like these only come to the theater only once in a rare blue moon.

The thing is before they announced Robin Williams death-I was afraid to post this. He’s gone now and I feel like a part of me is gone too. 

The thing about internet personalities, celebrity, and or blogging is that, often we only share what we want you to know about ourselves. We hide the rest often ashamed of what we feel or don’t feel. We project an image out into the world of whatever we “think” you’ll like to see. Who wants to hear about someone else’s sadness right? Not Robin William’s sadness, as he’s only supposed to sing and dance for us-like some entertaining puppet, but the thing is-he’s not-none of us are. We are people-human beings.  

I’m not comic, and I can’t even pretend anymore either. I can no longer escape this real world truth beyond the internet tweets and or photos I have written/created. I can’t do it anymore.  

I am sad, depressed and I’ve been this way for months now. I’ll be better one day, but maybe not today-I can hope for tomorrow though. I do prefer to say that I am feeling sad as opposed to saying depressed as that’s just me-it helps-every little bit helps. 

It’s all kind of ironic as well, as I feel like I’m even producing lots of what I might consider to be “worthy pages of writing” and I’m editing almost daily. Part of me thinks that this book I’m editing is partially driving me deeper into whatever this harsh emotional state happens to be. Some chapters seem easier than others. I guess life either on the page or out in the world is never really easy is it? 

Besides that, I feel like this fire took a picture of a few months ago. I hope I don’t burn out anytime soon and I am trying to remain lit, and burning-burning and burning. 

And now I feel the need to say that yes, I know where my limits are and I’m safe right now. And yes, I’m seeing both my therapist and psychologist quite frequently. This is not some end game note, but more so just me being an open, depressed, and bipolar person. 

I do want more out of this world, but right now I am just overwhelmed with sadness and hurt. And why wasn’t it me who died and not him (Robin Williams)? I mean hasn’t he made us laugh more than I have? What is the difference between him, me or you? Nothing really-we’re all just bones, blood and organs-and somehow we work in a way to connect to each other. I don’t understand anything better than you, but I hope to live a long time-as long as I can.  As long as I can despite all of my past suicide attempts, depression and or ups and or downs. 

I will keep you posted-

Incidentally I am on some new meds and I do hope they will kick in soon, but we all know-it’s more than just some meds we need to keep those fires burning.

Be Well-

Carmelo