It’s tough being a foul mouthed, ill-tempered superhero but it’s worth it..

I am perfectly comfortable being who I am. I am exactly who I want to be. Part of me is a real superhero. I love helping people and or overcoming odds. Yesterday, I saved someone’s life. Now it wasn’t a human being mind you, but it’s still a life and very important in the grand scheme of things. Picture it: I was walking my loyal and neurotic Beagle down the street. It was about 1pm on a Tuesday. Nothing special in the day, just an afternoon like any other -but it’s not. We were walking at a good pace and the sunshine was hitting us just right. As we were contentedly strolling along, an old woman who could have passed for a skinny version of Betty White from the “Golden Girls” walked up to us and said,

“What a handsome dog!”

“Why thank you,” I answered for him and myself proudly. The moment was too perfect. Then it happened. We were walking by a soft-topped JEEP and we heard the angry barks. I noticed that the Jeep’s plastic windows were open and unzipped and suddenly, within a half a second, a huge Rottweiler dog jumped out of it. He must have been at least 70lbs.

“Wait, he’s chained to the Jeep frame!” I realized. He fell out of the parked car door and was hanging by his choke collar right in front of us! It was one of the most horrible things I have seen. Think fast!

“Watch my dog!” I said to the woman. She didn’t react.

I shouted again-“Watch my dog!” I let him go and she finally grabbed him.

Then I grabbed the snapping, biting, strangling dog that he was, as he nearly took my hand off. I kept at it, trying to pick him up while he scraped my hand with his razor-like teeth. Finally I did it! I got a grab on him as he was snapping at me. I pushed him up and back into the jeep window. He was now okay. He was petrified, but alive.

The old woman standing with my dog looked white as a ghost at this freakish event. But I didn’t think it was so very out of the ordinary, sadly. This was a near tragedy due to another careless dog owner.

“I’m going to zip his window up now. He can’t fall again, not on my watch,” I say as I brazenly reach my hand inside the door towards the angry and scared animal and zip it up.

“If he’s going eat my hand, he’ll eat it,” I think to myself.
His owner finally showed up.

“What the hell is going on?” He asks dimly.

“I’ll tell you what’s going on, asshole. I just saved your dog’s life. He almost hung himself because you left him in the car on a fucking choke chain with the window down,” I say.

“What?” He asks.

“You dog almost died just now, motherfucker. He jumped out of the window with that chain around his neck and was hanging from your car. He could have died. If I ever see you leaving your dog all alone again I will call the police or worse.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have harassed him,” he said, unsure of how to react.

“Excuse me young man, he’s very upset but he saved your dog. He was far away from your dog and he ran over and saved his life,” the old woman added.

“Don’t you ever fucking leave your dog alone in a car ever again! I am serious-I will fuck you up!” I say with conviction.

Sometimes my rage takes over when I’m pushed, and this guy isn’t bright at all.

“Promise me?” I say.

“I promise you’ll never see me or see me leaving my dog-I love him,” he says.

“Well fucking act like it, pet ownership is a privilege not a right.” I say.
I nod to the old woman and take my dog.

“Thank you for helping. If you weren’t here it would have been tough,” I tell her.

“You’re welcome,” she answers.

The man jumps in his Jeep, unsure of what to do. I walk away from both of them nearly hyperventilating.

“Fucking-a Mr. B. We did alright,” I say and pet his little head.

I walked home quickly, still breathing oddly. I lay down with my dog. I was alive, but my heart was beating faster than a hummingbird. The life of a superhero isn’t always easy but it feels alright sometimes.

I will finally note that it is completely illegal and irresponsible to leave any animal in a car unattended. Leaving animals in a car is actually Punishable by fines ranging from $100 to $1000 to time served in jail. Or worse-you’ll have to deal with me.

“Don’t do it,” says the self-made hero that I am.
That’s one to grow on…..