Again, the irony of my birthday happening to be on the same day as #worldmentalhealthday is far beyond me. Is this karma kissing me on the mouth? Maybe so.
I suppose that I could confess to all of you that I have/had this problem with depression around my birthday, probably because of rather personal and and or dark reasons. Perhaps I might’ve even tried to kill myself on this day (years ago) and on many other times as well because these are of the side effects of living with Bipolar disorder and Ptsd.
And the truth is that when you live with any form of disease or disorder we all have our ups and downs. The trick is to not allow your diagnosis and or downs rule you. For me I’m not my disease and yet still-I still have to work at being welland in control and because of this I’ve gone from a former professional mental patient into being the artist I’ve always wanted to become, along with becoming a teacher of creative expression, mental health care giving and soon to become a future talk therapist myself.
Quite a lot of heavy bombs to be dropping off on instagram right? Well, if I don’t say anything about myself and my life, how could I expect others to become more open and honest in regards to mental health and illness? If we at least talk to one another about it, perhaps all of this might not seem so heavy and or daunting. Perhaps we all wouldn’t get so quiet when someone says the words: depression, bipolar, mental health and or mental illness and ptsd.
Okay then, I must get away from everything that is being the nstagram addict that I’ve become as of late.
#suicide #suicideawareness #worldmentalhealthday #bipolar #biopolardisorder #ptsd #depression #depressionawareness #preventsuicide

The thing is before they announced Robin Williams death-I was afraid to post this. He’s gone now and I feel like a part of me is gone too. 

The thing about internet personalities, celebrity, and or blogging is that, often we only share what we want you to know about ourselves. We hide the rest often ashamed of what we feel or don’t feel. We project an image out into the world of whatever we “think” you’ll like to see. Who wants to hear about someone else’s sadness right? Not Robin William’s sadness, as he’s only supposed to sing and dance for us-like some entertaining puppet, but the thing is-he’s not-none of us are. We are people-human beings.  

I’m not comic, and I can’t even pretend anymore either. I can no longer escape this real world truth beyond the internet tweets and or photos I have written/created. I can’t do it anymore.  

I am sad, depressed and I’ve been this way for months now. I’ll be better one day, but maybe not today-I can hope for tomorrow though. I do prefer to say that I am feeling sad as opposed to saying depressed as that’s just me-it helps-every little bit helps. 

It’s all kind of ironic as well, as I feel like I’m even producing lots of what I might consider to be “worthy pages of writing” and I’m editing almost daily. Part of me thinks that this book I’m editing is partially driving me deeper into whatever this harsh emotional state happens to be. Some chapters seem easier than others. I guess life either on the page or out in the world is never really easy is it? 

Besides that, I feel like this fire took a picture of a few months ago. I hope I don’t burn out anytime soon and I am trying to remain lit, and burning-burning and burning. 

And now I feel the need to say that yes, I know where my limits are and I’m safe right now. And yes, I’m seeing both my therapist and psychologist quite frequently. This is not some end game note, but more so just me being an open, depressed, and bipolar person. 

I do want more out of this world, but right now I am just overwhelmed with sadness and hurt. And why wasn’t it me who died and not him (Robin Williams)? I mean hasn’t he made us laugh more than I have? What is the difference between him, me or you? Nothing really-we’re all just bones, blood and organs-and somehow we work in a way to connect to each other. I don’t understand anything better than you, but I hope to live a long time-as long as I can.  As long as I can despite all of my past suicide attempts, depression and or ups and or downs. 

I will keep you posted-

Incidentally I am on some new meds and I do hope they will kick in soon, but we all know-it’s more than just some meds we need to keep those fires burning.

Be Well-

Carmelo